Manvice Vol. 4

When your wife refers to being pregnant as "those nine months of nausea," don't ever think that enough time has passed for you share your thoughts on the topic--especially if you think the nausea was sometimes all in her head.

Manvice Vol. 3

Never under any circumstance, ask your wife if she's going to support Movember next year.

Whether you are asking if she'll grow a mustache or not, you are asking if she'll grow a mustache.

Manvice Vol. 2

Manlyish Advice for Manlyish Men

Always back into a shower stall when the water is running. Regardless of whether you are going to receive third degree burns or frostbite from the water, it is better if those injuries happen to your back than to your front.

trust me on this one

Franklyn Finkelstein Advice Guru

I don't usually give out a lot of advice. But I always feel like I have a lot to say. I've been wondering lately if I'm cheating the world by holding back. So I've decided to begin giving advice for men. Maybe there will be the occasional bit for the ladies, but mostly this is advice for dudes from a dude.

Here goes:

Never, ever, say to a lady, let's say your wife or significant other, "I wish I could grow a mustache as good as you." You may mean this to be a knock against yourself, implying that your manhood is diminished because you lack the ability to grow even a basic level of facial hair held by many 17 year old males.

She will think you're calling her a beast.

This is not a fight you want to have. She will never see your point.

I've found it best to never make reference ever to a lady's facial hair.

A happier marriage you will have if you take my advice.

Medal Hopefuls

Why are only some Olympic athletes considered medal hopefuls?

Doesn't ever athlete hope to win a medal regardless of how unrealistic those hopes may be?

I hope to win a medal one day. I have that hope even though I have no skill at any Olympic event. I fall asleep at night dreaming of winning a gold medal, and the closest I ever come to an Olympic games is the postie olympics.

Coolers

I have a cooler made by Thermos.

I never use it.

I don't know if I'm supposed to put hot thinks or cold things in there. I'm always worried that if I put in cold things they will get heated up and go bad.

Rejected Guitar Hero Imitations

If anyone is thinking of making an interactive video game like guitar hero, but nothing like guitar hero, here some ideas you should stay away from:

Sitar Hero
Clarinet Hero
Tambourine Hero
Diaper Change Hero
Table Saw Hero


However, I think that Barista Hero could be the best selling game of all time.

Kitchen Tools

I've noticed an increase, lately, in calling kitchen utensils tools. Is that so men will do more cooking? Guys will pretty much do anything if tools are involved. I bet that's it. If you stop calling them spatulas and begin calling them a flipper tool. Oh, and numbers are good. Guys will know that a #2 Phillips is. Perhaps we need a #1 #2 #3 rubber scrapper.

But what's next, a tool belt?

I'm sorry but an apron with a hook for a measuring cup is still an apron.

Being Struck

Being struck by epiphany hurts a lot less than being struck by lightning.

Twitter

I wonder if twitter would be more authentic if people put a bird on their desk and let it peck away at the keys for 140 characters of so.

Nemesis Needed

I’ve been thinking that I could use a good nemesis, and so I’ve decided to begin taking applications. I’ve been thinking about what might make for a good nemesis and have developed the following:

- A good nemesis will be one whose exploits I can counter without too much difficulty. Although foiling their plots should seem difficult at first, but eventually, and without much difficulty, they must be overcome. Therefore I will look like a hero and a true protagonist. If I can overcome them too easily that will do nothing to bolster my standing.

- A good nemesis will be a determined individual who, despite suffering many humiliating losses at my hand, will never go away. They must rise again to be defeated another day.

-A good nemesis should be funny and charming at the outset, but have a dark and sinister core that eventually shines through revealing his true villainous identity. Much like Jerry Seinfeld in his show. He was all sweet, charming, and funny, but he showed his true character in his interactions with Newman. We all know that Newman was the good guy in that story.

-Finally, a good nemesis will have his own nemesis. I don’t need to be someone’s nemesis. I don’t know that I have time for that. However, the successful applicant should have a nemesis of their own, so that they know what it feels like to have someone trying to make life difficult for them. Perhaps they would then go a little easier on me. Now, if from time to time I can unite my nemesis with his nemesis thus bringing them together in a common bond where they can direct their newfound common nemesisness on me. That would be okay, so long as I can still defeat them. That would make me look really good.

If you think you’re up for the challenge of being my nemesis please feel free to apply. Please send your resume and a list of references.

Cravings

Craving churros.

Neighbours

The mark of a good neighbour is in how late they use power tools outside. Sometimes being a good neighbour is as simple as not using power tools outside after 10:30pm

Pregnancy

Do you suppose that pregnancy was just called "preg" until a lady named Nancy got pregnant?


No?

Then why does Nancy get all the special recognition? Why not Pregphoebe, or Pregmeg, or Pregmary, or Preganne? I could go on and on. But I think I've made my point.

Humble Opinions

If your friends think you overuse the expression “In my humble opinion” then chances are your opinions aren’t that humble

heaven freezing over

Why is it that we only ever hear about Hell freezing over? Wouldn't it be just as unlikely for Heaven to freeze over?

Relative Weather?

I was watching the weather channel today. Turns out even humidity is relative.

What does this mean?

If I'm out at the park with my friend and he says, "seems rather humid today," can I tell him he's wrong and we'll both be right?

Winter

It's winter here and it's cold. Today is not supposed to get above freezing. So I've got some ice related deep thoughts.


Ice is cool but falling on it isn't.

Blowing out the seam of your pants while falling on ice is even less cool.

Getting up and running away crying after blowing out the seam of your pants while falling on ice is about the least cool thing you could possibly do.

You have no chance of ever being considered cool if you tell everyone that your mommy made you feel better after all that by baking you cookies while you took a bath.

You were never cool if this all happened when you were 23.

Voting

I went and voted yesterday.

Voting is a bit weird.

My guy won. I'm very excited about that.

Elections, for me, are more a time to judge how normal I am. I find that I'm more excited that I fit in and vote with the majority, then that the guy I wanted to be in power is in power.

Election day is about the only time I can ever feel normal.

I feel sorry for the losers who like people that, obviously, the rest of us don't.

cool t-shirts

If Jesus had the optioin of desigining his own t-shirts, do you think that he would have worn a "John is my Homeboy" shirt.